Redefining Freedom

Holding polarities of life simultaneously

Photo by Rowan Heuvel on Unsplash

It’s been 415 days since I last wrote here. I was 27 weeks pregnant at that time. As of today, I have an 11 month old son. How life can change in 415 days. I’m not quite sure yet what I want to write about. All I know at this point is that I miss writing for the love of it - without expectation or outcome. I want this space to feel free. Interesting that I use that word because ‘freedom’ is a word I’ve thought about a lot since becoming a mother.

Let me set the context. I am currently 38 years old and it wasn’t until I was 37 that I decided that yes, I did want to become a mother to a human baby (I am a believer that we are mother’s in many other ways). Despite (or maybe because of) being a qualified midwife of nearly 18 years, I wasn’t sure if becoming a mother was part of my life’s path. I could always see the pro’s and con’s of both sides of the coin. I also knew too well from my career and friends/family that some women weren’t able to conceive whilst also seeing the pain and grief of losing a baby. I would often go back and forth with how my life would be with and without becoming a mother. What changed? Well, I met my husband and he was already an amazing father to his two children. Through being a step-mum, I saw a glimpse of the mother I could become. There had always been a part of me that was fascinated by the human body’s ability to grow and birth a human which was actually what inspired me to become a midwife in the first place. And so, in November in 2021, I remember sitting on the sofa watching TV and turning to my husband and saying that I did want to experience motherhood.

It took until August 2022 to conceive which in some respects is relatively quick but when you’re in that emotional turmoil of the monthly disappointment when you see the negative pregnancy test, it feels like a lifetime. I have so much more empathy for women who go through infertility month after month, year after year. Once you make that decision that you want a baby, it’s all consuming. In typical form, just as I was mentally and emotionally starting to reconcile my life without my own child, the universe delivers the positive pregnancy test. I won’t ever forget the day we found out. It was the day that Queen Elizabeth II died. A reminder of the circle of life - death and birth.

I wasn’t sure when I started to write today what would flow, I just knew I wanted to write. The word ‘freedom’ was the word that sparked what has followed. I digressed to set the context and so I won’t go into the full pregnancy and birth story - there’s a lot to say on that but I’ll summarise. Absolutely loved being pregnant - loved knowing I was growing and nurturing a human from a tiny grain of cells. I loved feeling him move. I wasn’t a fan of all the knowledge I had as a midwife - it was scary being on this side of the fence. I had a healthy pregnancy up until 37 weeks then my body decided it didn’t like being pregnant and I developed ‘pregnancy induced hypertension’. Admitted to hospital at 38 weeks and within 3 days of knowing this, my son was born after having my labour induced. I had both a terrifying and beautiful birth - a summary of my mothering journey so far. My boy was born on a lunar eclipse. An intense arrival Earth-side to say the least - he wanted to make an entrance! There’s so much more I could say about my birth and my emergency life-threatening readmission 3 days post birth but that’s not what is pulling me in this moment.

Freedom. Not where I was expecting to go with this but here I am. I usually have a plan when I write, an idea of at least the theme. I’ve wanted to write here for a while but the excuse of not knowing what to write about put me in ‘freeze’ mode. Inaction. Today I decided that I will just show up to the blank page. Without a plan, an expectation and just see what comes up. I’m not usually a ‘free flow’ person but as each year I age, life is teaching me to let go of the plan and to flow more. What I am also learning is that most often when we have a plan, it doesn’t work out even if we do everything we can to ensure the plan is executed. You know when you feel like you’re pushing a boulder up a mountain - usually the feeling when a preconceived plan isn’t meant for us. Let go of the boulder and see how it feels to walk up the mountain without the heavy load.

Back to freedom. Since having my son in May 2023, I’ve come to realise that I took my life for granted before. The fact I could walk out of my front door without a consideration for anyone or anything. I could just walk. Alone. How I crave that now. Becoming a mother has been an experience of polarities of being human. Of suffering and joy simultaneously. I would love to say that I’ve loved every minute of being a mother but that would be a lie. There have been many times I’ve questioned my decision. It hasn’t been an easy 11 months of my life. I’ve experienced sexual trauma in my childhood and yet here I am saying this chapter of my life has been challenging.

I am grateful for my son - for him choosing me to be his mother. That I get to experience this unconditional love. He’s the Robin to my Batman. Forever. I’m also grateful for the fact that I knew myself on a deep level before his arrival. That I had tools to recenter myself. The tools to calm my nervous system. Without these tools and self-awareness, I wouldn’t be as mentally stable as I am. That’s saying a lot when I’ve had over 10 month’s worth of sleep deprivation. A form of pure torture. I believe in honest motherhood - the reality of the highs and lows. Not what society/social media expects us to say or feel. It’s valid that there are days that I question my decision to become a mother and also love my son beyond words. Isn’t that the human experience? Can we be honest enough with ourselves about what our experience of life actually is? When we can be honest with ourselves and what our reality is, we can feel free.

There have been many times when I have felt like a prisoner since becoming a mother. My previous way of being gone, my life as I knew it, gone. My perception of my current reality. Grieving the loss of my life as it once was. I am grateful that I acknowledge that all my emotions are valid and allow these polarities to co-exist.

Now, freedom looks like the slices of solitude when I can grab them. These moments I now cherish more than I ever did before. A cup of coffee in silence. Having a shower everyday AND having enough time to wash my hair. Luxury. Just to be honest about my experience has been freeing. I chat to my mum friends and they too appreciate the honesty. The relief of their faces when I say '“this is tough”. I’ve had to get creative with my time and prioritise what is important to me - to use my time more wisely. To appreciate the time with and without my son. Yes, I am a mother now but I am also still me. The person I was before and now more. It’s okay to be grateful that I am experiencing motherhood and finding it challenging simultaneously.

What does freedom as a mother to a nearly one year old look and feel like? Well, that’s what I’m still learning and redefining. Writing this today feels like freedom to me - doing something I love to do and prioritising it. Appreciating the small yet big pleasures in life such as a quiet moment with my favourite coffee or taking a solo walk. Freedom is allowing myself to feel how I feel in a moment instead of telling myself that I shouldn’t feel a way. It’s appreciating the big and the small moments of daily life. The ones where life is ticking along and the days feel the same. It’s being able to lift my face to the sunshine on the hard days and appreciating how that feels; knowing I’m doing the best I can and that’s more than enough.